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let’s talk cancer
When I was younger I had insomnia. It started out of the blue. This happened between the ages of 10 and 14, then just as it randomly happened it stopped. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t sleep and I am pretty sure my parents thought I was making it up for the longest time. I would switch between sleeping in my room and the living room on the couch. I think Via assumed I was staying up to watch TV, then fell asleep on the sofa… but that was not the case.
If I slept in the living room longer than four nights, my parents would make me sleep in my room. I tossed and turned.
I even made a pallet on the floor thinking:
‘Heat rises, maybe laying on the floor will cool me down’.
Nada.
Nothing helped.
When I reached my four day mark, I went to my room. Once I knew my parents were asleep, I sneaked into the living room and would pass out within seconds.
When I was 13 my grandmother died from cancer. I don’t think I realized how bad it was when she was sick. I’m sure my parents shielded me from the hard truths. I knew she was diagnosed with cancer and we spent more time with her trying to extend the happy memories and childhood moments with her. My mom did not have a happy childhood growing up, I knew this from stories my mom and aunt shared. The stories are sprinkled with laughter and trauma. It’s transparent that upon hearing the re-telling, my mom and aunt did the best they could to survive their home life.
One morning I was asleep on the sofa, I kept hearing hushed conversations from family members and doors shutting. It was strange because my house was quiet at the beginning of the day. I thought maybe my grandmother’s temp spiked overnight or her hospice nurse called my mom.
“…quiet she’s still asleep.”
“Are you sure?”
(mumbles)
I could hear my mom crying and I felt a pit in the bottom of my gut. Something was very wrong.
“Does Branndon know?”
“Yeah. He is in his room.”
“I’m awake,” I said
They continued talking as if they didn’t hear me. I don’t want to listen to what is happening. I want to sleep in the warm cocoon of my blankets and stay frozen before I know the truth.
“She only has three months.”
Tears rolled down my face. This has to be a nightmare.
I am still sleeping. Maybe…. I am in my bed and I didn’t sleep on the sofa. Yeah… it’s a dream. God wouldn’t let this happen.
My grandmother is supposed to be at my wedding. My graduation. All the moments I can’t emotionally process. I closed my eyes tight and felt the tears run down my face. Maybe if I pretend I am asleep it will be a dream.
“Should we wake her?”
“I’m awake,” I said quietly
Via sighed. “I am going to pick up breakfast.”
My dad’s answer was food. Food helps. Food doesn’t help tears….or knowing that three months is finality. My brother got to grow into a man and have my grandmother along every step of the way. I am thirteen. Barely a teen. How is this fair? Why is cancer taking the one person who calls me “sweet girl”?
“Risse?”
I sniffled and nodded.
“I have something serious to tell you.”
“No. I am not ready for her to die.” I said
“We do not get to decide that. Your aunt is with your grandmother. She is on the phone.”
I nodded.
“She is in a medically induced coma. Do you want to say goodbye?”
“I thought she had three months.” I said crying
“You heard us?”
Via is transparent with her emotions and the shock and pain on her face made me want to cry more. Seeing her look of anguish realizing I was awake during the conversation with her and my dad cut me almost as much as hearing the news. She held my hand gently.
“You don’t always get to say goodbye. I want you to have that chance. If you need time-”
I nodded. “Did Branndon do it?”
“We all did. He is on the phone with her. She can’t respond but I believe she hears us.”
“I-I’ll say goodbye.”
One statement that stayed with me during that time is:
You won’t feel this deep aching pain forever, this will pass…we will get through this as a family.
Years after my grandmother died, I saw an ad for Susan G Komen. I promised myself that one day I would participate in a race for cancer. A race my grandmother fought hard against. A race where there are survivors and heroes. Never give up and know this too shall pass.
