Toxic Relationships 101

“You look hefty today Tisha. I thought you were dieting?”

“You should be ashamed of yourself! Why can’t you stay late? If you cared about being a team player, you would stay. Julie is staying. She knows what matters.”

“When I call you, you know you’re supposed to pick up the phone. Don’t leave me waiting!”

These are examples of toxic interactions with people.

Coworkers. Neighbors. Family. Romantic relationships.

Toxicity does not discriminate. What you can control is your reaction.

What? Yes!

You can control your response and the circle of people you invite into your life.

FRIENDS ENJOYING A LAUGH 👆🏼

You are an amazing person.

Yes, you!

The sis reading this on the way to work or getting steps in on a treadmill, or at your Macbook early in the morning hours.

You, and only you give the world something no one else can.

The world is lacking without you. Do not let anyone bring negative, toxic energy your way.

Now that I have pumped your confidence up with a pep talk 📢 I will dive into how you can improve your relationships. The following is taken from my personal experience and the website here.

First….

let’s look at the signs. Gaslighting, mentally drained after a conversation, the feeling of dread when you have to see them. Does this sound familiar? If not, maybe the story I share will give you more insight.

Me and Jules celebrated every chance in the beginning 👆🏼

I had a friend years ago…her name is Jules*. Jules and I worked together at a call center. She got hired a month after me, and I showed her the ropes. In the beginning, we were very close. We loved the same music, we got teased for liking the same boy bands in HS and became friends almost immediately. We went to Happy Hour every weekend. Then I started seeing how she treated people, specifically myself. She appeared very bubbly, and outgoing, but the more we were together I learned that was the facade she wanted people to see. An example of her toxicity, she introduced me to a male friend of hers at a party. She was very supportive of me and Jameson* until she realized we both liked each other.

“Ohkayyyy…I mean if that’s who you like but he is boring. It won’t work out.”

Jules was at her worst when drinking, but I chalked it up to personal issues. A few friends told me they caught her rolling her eyes when I would tell a funny story or a work complaint. Deep down, Jules was a mean girl that overindulged in alcohol and verbally attacked people.  

Have you ever seen a movie where the main character has an entourage? She wears cute clothes, always gets the guy, and drives a cool car? That was Jules, and just like in the movie, the main character falls from grace at some point because her true self shows up.

A new girl arrives on the scene and the “Jules” character does not like this. I am a very forgiving person and gave Jules plenty of excuses, and opportunities to be a friend to me. I think once Jules realized I could see through her gaslighting and negative energy she was no longer interested in being friends.

Whatever you believe in, know that energy is real….positive and negative. This is why meditation works so effectively. This is why no matter how long you are around a toxic person, you feel drained.

What did I do?

I eventually had enough of her backbiting comments, icing me out, and being my fake friend. I pulled away from the relationship and stopped engaging. The situation with Jules lasted two years and in that time I learned a lot about myself.

I learned what red flags to pay attention to in a friendship. 🚩 🚩 🚩

I learned how to stand up for myself in a respectful manner.

I learned that telling a friend they should stop drinking when they are in pain is the top ten worst feelings I have gone through.

Do you see a part of yourself in my Jules story? Do you recognize yourself in any of the characters?

There is a saying that goes: “A story exists in which you are the villain”.

That saying makes me think about how I treat people and how I let others treat me.

It’s okay to pull away from a conversation, friendship, or situation that does not serve you.

I thought Jules was my friend, but I was the only person in the friendship. This was a challenging experience for me, for a while I didn’t trust myself with friendships. I had my guard up and had to slowly trust myself again.

I know what you are thinking…. “Char how did you trust yourself again? How did you improve your toxic relationships?”

I am not leaving you hanging….

REFLECTION.

I had to do some reflection. It was not all on Jules. When she showed behavior I was not comfortable with I did not speak up. When she talked behind a mutual friend’s back I changed the subject. I did not defend my relationship with Jameson.

BOUNDARIES.

Creating boundaries is a guideline for what you will and won’t accept. Is going to a Happy Hour on a weekday, not your thing? Say no. Stick to the no. No is a complete answer, additional excuses are not needed. If you hear someone trash-talking your friend, say something. Close the toxic cycle. Having a circle of friends that mirrors positive goals and mindsets helps you stay on the right track with boundaries. Birds of a feather flock together.  

THERAPY.

Therapy has helped me see myself through the lens of others. I have improved my relationships by creating boundaries, sticking to them, and building a circle of friends that lift me up. Healing does not happen overnight, but I am grateful for my growth and where I am today.

I understand that some relationships are harder to pull away from than others.

A relationship with a parent, a boss, or a neighbor is more difficult to move away from.

I firmly believe that if you are dreading activities with this person, having panic attacks, and losing yourself in a negative relationship you need to do what is best for you.

Communicating healthily is how you can control the situation.

You can choose how much time to spend with that toxic person.

Limit conversations to respectful short bursts, emails, etc to regain control.

In the end, YOU matter and self-care is not negotiable. Stepping away versus engaging in an argument is still a choice.

Remember, you can always call your sister 🫶🏽