Facing yourself is hard. Coming to terms with the expectations you have for yourself and others is hard. Being honest and saying ‘I am not happy with how I am handling things’ is tough. I have had high expectations for myself most of my life. I have come to the realization through therapy that I expect A LOT from myself. I have high hopes and when my expectations falter, I feel guilt and shame. I let myself down, and it is not my best. Objectively, others do not see what I see. They see a capable woman handling her ISH. I see chaos, disaster, unsolved puzzles, and a dull outcome. I have problems with feeling my pain and staying in that emotion, when my emotions get too much I flip it into a positive. I have been told this is not a bad thing, but how does not feeling allow you to grow?
It’s hard to be honest with myself or stay in the pain I feel from disappointing others (me included). I want everything to be perfect. That is not realistic. I know this, but it does not stop me from wanting it. 😂 I love baking and I believe I have perfected the art of an amazing cheesecake (from a box).🍰 Via for years, thought I baked it from scratch and was literally shocked when I told her. My cheesecake is perfection. To me. I am sure Chrissy Teigen or Rachel Ray have their methods, but my family absolutely loves it. I enjoy seeing that look on their faces when they take that first bite. I have created magic and all is well. Maybe that is what this is? Finding your perfect and being fine with it not being PERFECTION. I want to work on that and be happy with my perfect, so I do not blame myself and miss out.
It’s a good practice to do check-ins to see “how am I, really?” The past few months have been highly focused on moving, finances, and trying to stay sane. Things are getting settled and I love my new place, but I was still stressed and needed a serious break from Adulting. I was not happy and the added pressure of putting expectations on myself was the culprit. This was unhealthy and unrealistic. Unpacking my entire apartment and filming a Vlog in one day is not realistic.
I am not shy about my mental health journey. I have been in therapy since September and am very happy with the progress. My anxiety and depression have lessened and I have the tools to help me when I struggle. For the past 2 years, I have been working from home and I would say in the middle of 2021 I started struggling. Digesting social media, and being a bit of a recluse regularly took a bigger toll than I realized. Several deaths from friends, and family in addition to dissolving a relationship pushed me over the edge. I was angry or sobbing the majority of the week and I knew this wasn’t me. At the end of 2020, I started a website, which boosted my spirits immensely. I think starting this sisterhood taught me more about myself than I have taught others.
In 2019, a friend introduced me to Journaling. I started writing in a journal and it was very helpful when I experienced a traumatic event in 2020. It was my life raft when I felt I would drown under my emotions. Writing poetry helps and I have written the most beautifully tragic poems during that time. This time around journaling helped, but not as much as it usually does. I went for a walk and videotaped the neighborhood. It was mostly just sidewalks and trees, but I talked the whole time.
I remembered how much I felt when I spoke about Branndon and his death on the walking trail. I emptied my heart as I felt the sun on my back, watching the trees sway in the wind. I stayed in the pain I felt and didn’t run. I felt all of the emotions through me and it was hard. I cried. I spilled my pain. I didn’t hide from it. Afterward, I took a few deep breaths and felt immensely better than I did. I am proud of myself for stepping outside my comfort zone and being honest with myself. The only person I wanted to know is my sister, so here we are! I hope this resonated with you, and remember you can always call your sister.💖 Let’s heal together. 😘