TRIGGER WARNING****
I will be discussing a true account of a sexual assault that happened to me. You may be triggered if you are a survivor of sexual assault. Let’s heal together sis. ❤️🩹
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The time my NO went unheard
This happened when I was around 23. At the time I was working at a call center. My very first call center job. One of the trainers and I hit it off. His name was Jamal and he wore black framed glasses. We were both nerdy and had a sarcastic sense of humor. We kept things professional but when I left the call center I missed our interactions.
Fast forward two years later. He finds me on FB and we reconnect. He tells me his feelings for me when he was my trainer, but obviously, he couldn’t do anything about it. Now, he is newly divorced and I felt like everything was aligned for us to be together. One of my friends who I met at the call center told me to be careful when I told her Jamal and I reconnected. I was confused because he was a funny, nerdy gentleman. Why should I be cautious? I ignored her advice. Jamal and I talked for weeks, then exchanged numbers. We went on a few dates and one day he offered to pick me up from work.
He picked me up and dropped me off at my apartment. We nervously chatted in his car and I invited him into my apartment. I never felt unsafe with Jamal. He was a sweet, sensitive guy who made me laugh and I could talk tech with. He wasn’t condescending and that was a quality I really liked. We talked for a while, then slowly started making out. We went to my room and he pushed me on the bed. He held my arms down and I’ll never forget the chilling look in his eyes. I nervously giggled, not sure how to react to his sudden outburst of aggression.
Jamal: in a minute
I stared into his eyes, pretending I was okay with what was happening
Jamal: I’ve waited for this moment for a long time
Me: No, let me go.
He kissed my neck and I squirmed under his weight regretting that I invited him in my safe space.
Me: Jamal stop.
I don’t know how much time passed because it felt like a lifetime before he let go. I immediately sat up on my bed, putting distance between us.
Jamal: did I hurt you?
Me: yes
I rubbed my wrists and walked out of the room. At this point, my roommate was in the apartment. I nervously made small talk, then introduced them. Jamal made an excuse to go and I walked him to his car. He said his intent wasn’t to hurt me, he was just passionate about being with me. I believed him. I continued seeing him after this incident happened, I honestly don’t know why. Jamal later told me when we worked together, he told the other trainer to stay away from me so he could spend more time alone with me. When I heard this I was stunned. He deliberately told people to stay away from me. It didn’t feel right and I wish I could say that kept me away from him but it didn’t. I chalked it up to the fact I was correct about our chemistry and he liked me.
I was surprised by how strong Jamal was and felt small because I couldn’t defend myself in my own house. My haven. I imagined myself being with him and now that I was so close to having it, complaining about the outcome didn’t seem right. He explained he was passionate about me, about us and that excuse seemed okay.
This is the first time I’ve told anyone what happened.
After Jamal left my roommate asked me what happened in my room and I replied “Nothing”.
Roommate: I heard you say no.
Me: I don’t know what you heard. Nothing happened. We kissed.
I laughed it off and pretended it wasn’t as serious as it was.
My roommate stared at me unconvinced and that is the closest anyone has come to knowing the truth besides me.
Remembering these events put me in a weird head space and I felt small again. It forced me to relive the events and was very cathartic, even though it reignited those feelings from that moment. In writing this, (it took almost two weeks from start to finish) I consistently reminded myself I am a different woman than I was at 23.
I have grown, healed, knowing the difference between and passion and respect.
Jamal did not respect me or my boundaries.
It is so very important to have boundaries, in those times when someone crosses them you can stand in your no….your decision. Thank you for your grace and for allowing me to be vulnerable in this sisterhood and share a personal story. I hope this helps someone heal, feel seen, and know they are loved.
Clicking the green box below will take you to the website for National Sexual Violence Resource Center.
Remember…you can always call your sister. 🥰
